On Friday the 31st of August 2007 I went to Homerton Hospital, Hackney, east London, to seek advice on how to treat an abscess. The abscess, which I named Frank Lampard, was located on the top right side of my left buttock. If the United Kingdom was shaped like a left buttock, my abscess was living along the coast a bit north of Aberdeen. If in Italy — north of San Marino. Sweden — Piteå.
It’s not the first time Mr Lampard has made himself present, but it’s the second time he’s unbearably painful. The first time was far away from any hospitals on D’Urville Island, New Zealand, back in February.
Most probably Mr Lambard was the result of a group of infected hair follicles, so the correct medical term for Mr Lambard would be carbuncles. The cause is most probably a combination of 1) my hairy bum, 2) low trouser line and 3) my profession (sitting in front of a computer).
I thought the treatment (removal) of Mr Lambard would be an easy and small procedure. Almost like a surgical method of popping a spot. It turned out being a bit more complicated than just a small cut and drainage. I walk out from Homerton Hospital with a 3cm wide and 3cm deep hole where Mr Lambard use to be. This new hole — asshole 2.0 — needs to heal naturally from the inside out.
The nature of the healing process and the location of Mr Lampard, forced me into a vertical life. During the first 16 days i stood up or laid on my front (aside from visiting the toilet). Everyday I visited the hospital to get my extra hole checked and a new dressing put in place.
Standing up for 16 days does wear you out. It’s not easy. It’s a bit of a revelation — paradigm shift — when you realise how important your health, and being healthy, is. My issue explained here is a fart in space on the grand scam of things, but enough to reopen my eyes a bit wider. I have also learned how fortunate sitting down is — or being able to stand up and sit down. Trust me, socially, just standing, is a bit of a nightmare.
The consequences of a vertical life, besides the difficulty to socialise, is lower back pains. My body just isn’t used to standing up for this amount of time. The bum has almost been free from pain since day two. Physically I could sit down, it’s just the fact that if I did, the healing of my hole might be jeopardised. And, I’m sorry, but having an extra hole in my ass is something I don’t recall as a good feature.
I have managed to finish three books standing up at the hospital waiting room. Short reviews of these books might follow after this post. Since entering this world, I haven’t expected to read any book solely standing up.
Going to the hospital everyday has actually been quite fun. I might be a weirdo in that sense, but I find hospitals to be an extremely interesting place which gather an interesting mixture of people. The whole concept of a hospital is unique in todays society. Even though I read a lot in the waiting room, the waiting room at a hospital is far better and more interesting than any TV show.
My vertical life has now come to an end. On Saturday the nurses at the hospital referred to Mr Lampard’s remains as a “cavity” instead of a “hole”. So it’s getting there. I’ve been back to work for two days now, and hopefully (knock on wood), sitting down won’t affect the remainder of the healing process, and I can soon refer to this episode in life as over and done with.
Unlike other Chuck Palahniuk books, it has taken me a few months to actually get my teeth into this one. I received 